Gaslighting by Lilly Hope Lucario


Batterers rarely disclose their violence fully, even in the face of considerable evidence. Our clients also deny the effects of their battering on their partners. This denial can sometimes hold firm through months of participation in batterer programs, though the existence of independent evidence, such as police reports with which to confront the client, can assist in breaking down denial. Even those men who admit to some portions of their violence typically minimize their history of abuse, reporting significantly less violence and threatening behavior than their female partners attribute to them and than is revealed by court and police records.

The Batterer as Parent, Lundy Bancroft

Reading Nature and Reading Scripture By Daniel Harrell (guest author) at BioLogos

[Note: I wearied at my former church Grace Bible Fellowship of Silicon Valley of senior pastor Cliff McManis, with his two fake diploma mill advanced “degrees” including a “Ph.D.” that the U.S. Department of Education says is a fake and not from a bona fide, accredited, university that takes eight years of hard work to earn, telling us that the earth is 6,000 years old. My grandmother, a graduate of U.C. Berkeley in the 1920’s with a degree in science, the first woman dean of a California public college, was a Prebyterian who worked in science. She and her friends, including Nobel Prize-winning researchers, were Christians and scientists and knew the earth was old. Very old. GBFSV is anti-science and anti-real-education.]

©Daniel Harrell/BioLogos

“I recently led a seminar on faith and science at a large Christian music festival (of all places) in rural Illinois. While the reception was gracious (befitting Midwestern hospitality), there were those for whom any allowance of evolutionary thinking amounted to theological heresy of the highest order. One pugilistic gentleman bulldogged me all week, insisting that geologists and biologists were misguided and mistaken. And yet as I listened to his harangue, it struck me that the real issue was not that humans and monkeys are close cousins, or that the will of God looks willy-nilly when it comes to genetic mutation, or that organic life requires an enormous amount of death and decay to occur. No, his real concern was Biblical authority. If the world was not created by God in six days (like the Bible says) and people were not made in God’s image (like the Bible says) according to divine purpose (like the Bible says), then why should he believe that Jesus rose from the dead for his sins (like the Bible says)? If evolution is right, then the Bible is wrong about everything.

But what if, instead of the Bible, it is our reading of the Bible that is incorrect? What if the realities of nature mean we need to rethink the way we understand Scripture? Now I know that just because a particular theory makes sense of the way something could have happened doesn’t necessarily mean that it actually happened that way. But if evolution provides an accurate description of life on earth, how might we rethink what the Bible says? To rethink what we think about the Bible is not to rewrite Scripture, nor is it to capitulate to Christianity’s detractors. Instead, rethinking and reworking our theology in light of accurate scientific data results in a more dependable and resilient theology. To be a serious Christian is to seek truth and find it as revealed by God both in Scripture and in nature. If God is the maker of heaven and earth, as we believe, then the heavens and earth, as science describes them, have something to say about God. Natural selection need not imply godless selection. To be reliable witnesses of creation can’t help but make us more reliable witnesses to the Creator. – See more at:

Christians Around World Critique Grace Bible Fellowship of Silicon Valley Pastors/Elders’ “Stranglehold” of Members


Cartoon used with permission by David Hayward. The Naked Pastor blog. Canada.

Christians around the world are critiquing Grace Bible Fellowship of Silicon Valley’s ByLaws, Membership Covenant, Statement of Faith and other documents on The Wartburg Watch blog.  GBFSV is my former church and excommunicates any church members for being Bereans and having critical thinking skills. A middle-aged woman in finance, a doctor in his 70’s, and then me.

Todd Wilhelm, a U.S. citizen who is a Christian and lives and works in the United Arab Emirates, blogged about the problems at Grace Bible Fellowship of Silicon Valley and their use of the authoritarian, heavy-Shepherding 9 Marks model of running a church. (The ONE Biblical mark of a ‘healthy church’ in the Bible – LOVE – didn’t make the list of 9 Marks.)

Todd Wilhelm’s Thou Art The Man blog article was also republished on The Wartburg Watch, here:

Darlene posted this on The Wartburg Watch about Grace Bible Fellowship of Silicon Valley’s Membership Covenant, ByLaws, Statement of Faith and other documents.

“By the way…reading the By Laws from your former church [Grace Bible Fellowship of Silicon Valley] alone (not even getting through the entire document) reminds me of being put in a stranglehold. Rigid power structure is what comes to mind. And what is it with not wanting people to attend often without committing to signing the membership covenant/contract? Something to the effect of….maybe you should just find another church to attend if all you want to do is come to our services. Very strange.”

Muff Potter commenting on The Wartburg Watch blog about Grace Bible Fellowship of Silicon Valley’s Membership Covenant and other authoritarian documents. “Holy you know what! That’s quite the manifesto they require you to sign onto. Tell me though, do they recruit many of the kids fresh out of Stanford [University]? Or are they just a lot of wind on their growth projections?”

9Marks Attempting “Brand Enhancement” – Guest Post by Todd Wilhelm —[note this is a story about Grace Bible Fellowship of Silicon Valley and my review]

“Victims of their heavy-handed, authoritarian abuses are taking to social media in ever-increasing numbers to let their fellow pew-sitters hear about the outrageous abuses they have suffered in churches who have implemented the 9Marx manifesto.” Todd Wilhelm

via 9Marks Attempting “Brand Enhancement” – Guest Post by Todd Wilhelm —

Thought Reform Techniques Explained by Expert Steve Hassan



Brad/FuturistGuy (Christian researcher and blogger on Dr. Robert Jay Lifton’s work)


Mind Control Techniques Used by Authoritarian Groups, Including Grace Bible Fellowship of Silicon Valley’s Pastors/Elders

by Velour/Mtn. Shepherdess
After being excommunicated and shunned from the abusive, authoritarian Grace Bible Fellowship of Silicon Valley on trumped up charges, like the doctor and the woman in finance before me and the people who will dissent and be punished after me, I have had to deprogram from the toxic, abusive environment. GBFSV practices the 1970’s un-Biblical heavy-Shepherding techniques/controls over adult Christians’ lives. It is NOT Biblical, no matter how many times they slap those words on their authoritarianism and try to justify it.
Many older Christians and other people have provided support and information that has been useful to my healing.  Here is one expert whose work is very helpful, Steve Hassan, and who was mentored by psychiatrist/Yale University/researcher/author Dr. Robert Jay Lifton.
Grace Bible Fellowship of Silicon Valley pastors/elders’ meet many of the mind control techniques in the BITE model below.
“Steven Hassan’s BITE Model of Cult Mind Control

Many people think of mind control as an ambiguous, mystical process that cannot be defined in concrete terms. In reality, mind control refers to a specific set of methods and techniques, such as hypnosis or thought- stopping, that influence how a person thinks, feels, and acts. Like many bodies of knowledge, it is not inherently good or evil. If mind control techniques are used to empower an individual to have more choice, and authority for his life remains within himself, the effects can be beneficial. For example, benevolent mind control can be used to help people quit smoking without affecting any other behavior. Mind control becomes destructive when the locus of control is external and it is used to undermine a person’s ability to think and act independently.

As employed by the most destructive cults, mind control seeks nothing less than to disrupt an individual’s authentic identity and reconstruct it in the image of the cult leader. I developed the BITE model to help people determine whether or not a group is practicing destructive mind control. The BITE model helps people understand how cults suppress individual member’s uniqueness and creativity. BITE stands for the cult’s control of an individual’s Behavior, Intellect, Thoughts, and Emotions.

It is important to understand that destructive mind control can be determined when the overall effect of these four components promotes dependency and obedience to some leader or cause. It is not necessary for every single item on the list to be present. Mindcontrolled cult members can live in their own apartments, have nine-to-five jobs, be married with children, and still be unable to think for themselves and act independently.

Destructive mind control is not just used by cults. Learn about the Human Trafficking BITE Model and the Terrorism BITE Model


The BITE Model

I. Behavior Control
II. Information Control
III. Thought Control
IV. Emotional Control

Behavior Control

1. Regulate individual’s physical reality
2. Dictate where, how, and with whom the member lives and associates or isolates
3. When, how and with whom the member has sex
4. Control types of clothing and hairstyles
5. Regulate diet – food and drink, hunger and/or fasting
6. Manipulation and deprivation of sleep
7. Financial exploitation, manipulation or dependence
8. Restrict leisure, entertainment, vacation time
9. Major time spent with group indoctrination and rituals and/or self indoctrination including the Internet
10. Permission required for major decisions
11. Thoughts, feelings, and activities (of self and others) reported to superiors
12. Rewards and punishments used to modify behaviors, both positive and negative
13. Discourage individualism, encourage group-think
14. Impose rigid rules and regulations
15. Instill dependency and obedience

Information Control

1. Deception:
a. Deliberately withhold information
b. Distort information to make it more acceptable
c. Systematically lie to the cult member
2. Minimize or discourage access to non-cult sources of information, including:
a. Internet, TV, radio, books, articles, newspapers, magazines, other media
b.Critical information
c. Former members
d. Keep members busy so they don’t have time to think and investigate
e. Control through cell phone with texting, calls, internet tracking
3. Compartmentalize information into Outsider vs. Insider doctrines
a. Ensure that information is not freely accessible
b.Control information at different levels and missions within group
c. Allow only leadership to decide who needs to know what and when
4. Encourage spying on other members
a. Impose a buddy system to monitor and control member
b.Report deviant thoughts, feelings and actions to leadership
c. Ensure that individual behavior is monitored by group
5. Extensive use of cult-generated information and propaganda, including:
a. Newsletters, magazines, journals, audiotapes, videotapes, YouTube, movies and other media
b.Misquoting statements or using them out of context from non-cult sources
6. Unethical use of confession
a. Information about sins used to disrupt and/or dissolve identity boundaries
b. Withholding forgiveness or absolution
c. Manipulation of memory, possible false memories

Thought Control

1. Require members to internalize the group’s doctrine as truth
a. Adopting the group’s ‘map of reality’ as reality
b. Instill black and white thinking
c. Decide between good vs. evil
d. Organize people into us vs. them (insiders vs. outsiders)
2.Change person’s name and identity
3. Use of loaded language and clichés which constrict knowledge, stop critical thoughts and reduce complexities into platitudinous buzz words
4. Encourage only ‘good and proper’ thoughts
5. Hypnotic techniques are used to alter mental states, undermine critical thinking and even to age regress the member
6. Memories are manipulated and false memories are created
7. Teaching thought-stopping techniques which shut down reality testing by stopping negative thoughts and allowing only positive thoughts, including:
a. Denial, rationalization, justification, wishful thinking
b. Chanting
c. Meditating
d. Praying
e. Speaking in tongues
f. Singing or humming
8. Rejection of rational analysis, critical thinking, constructive criticism
9. Forbid critical questions about leader, doctrine, or policy allowed
10. Labeling alternative belief systems as illegitimate, evil, or not useful

Emotional Control

1. Manipulate and narrow the range of feelings – some emotions and/or needs are deemed as evil, wrong or selfish
2. Teach emotion-stopping techniques to block feelings of homesickness, anger, doubt
3. Make the person feel that problems are always their own fault, never the leader’s or the group’s fault
4. Promote feelings of guilt or unworthiness, such as
a. Identity guilt
b. You are not living up to your potential
c. Your family is deficient
d. Your past is suspect
e. Your affiliations are unwise
f. Your thoughts, feelings, actions are irrelevant or selfish
g. Social guilt
h. Historical guilt
5. Instill fear, such as fear of:
a. Thinking independently
b. The outside world
c. Enemies
d. Losing one’s salvation
e. Leaving or being shunned by the group
f. Other’s disapproval
6. Extremes of emotional highs and lows – love bombing and praise one moment and then declaring you are horrible sinner
7. Ritualistic and sometimes public confession of sins
8. Phobia indoctrination: inculcating irrational fears about leaving the group or questioning the leader’s authority
a. No happiness or fulfillment possible outside of the group
b. Terrible consequences if you leave: hell, demon possession, incurable diseases, accidents, suicide, insanity, 10,000 reincarnations, etc.
c. Shunning of those who leave; fear of being rejected by friends, peers, and family
d. Never a legitimate reason to leave; those who leave are weak, undisciplined, unspiritual, worldly, brainwashed by family or counselor, or seduced by money, sex, or rock and roll
e. Threats of harm to ex-member and family”

–©Steve Hassan

Part 4: My Story of Being A Member of The Abusive Grace Bible Fellowship of Silicon Valley

Part 4 of a 5-part series.

 “A Badge of Honor” – My Excommunication & Shunning from a NeoCalvinist Church  – by Velour/MtnShepherdess ©

Image result for david hayward naked pastor google images bully


             “Consider your excommunication as a badge of honor from a church like that!” –

Boz Tchividjian, Attorney/Law Professor/former sex crimes prosecutor/ advocate for child sex abuse victims/founder of Godly Response to Abuse in the Christian Environment (G.R.A.C.E.), grandson of the Rev. Billy Graham,  words of encouragement to me on my excommunication/shunning from Grace Bible Fellowship of Silicon Valley (California)


  1. First Church Discipline Case: A Midde-Aged Woman Who Wouldn’t “Obey” and “Submit” To Her Husband According To The Senior Pastor

             The first church discipline meeting I witnessed at Grace Bible Fellowship of Silicon Valley, before Dr. Luke’s excommunication and shunning, was that of a godly, middle-aged professional woman and wife.  The senior pastor told church members to stay after the Sunday service for a closed door meeting. There were several hundred church members.  The woman was not there.

The senior pastor told church members that they had “worked with [the wife] for a very long period of time and she was now at Step 3 of the Church Discipline process.”

He said that she “hadn’t obeyed and submitted to her husband”, who was still a church member.

The senior pastor denigrated this dear Christian woman before all of us. She is a lovely, kind, generous person. She has a special gift in working with mentally ill adults who live in group homes and evangelizing them as well as with the elderly in convalescent hospitals.

The senior pastor told hundreds of church members to “pursue her”.  She responded by disconnecting her cell phone, her email, and moving out of the family home.

When I interviewed her she told me that there was something terribly wrong with Grace Bible Fellowship of Silicon Valley and that she refused to return. She went to another church in another denomination that had a solid church structure and outside accountability. She told me that the pastors/elders at our church had screamed and yelled at her, including coming to her home and screaming at her.

If they had done to me when she says they did to her, I would call the police and have them arrested.

The senior pastor told us at a members’ meeting later in the year that they had to “let her go”.  Ya think? It’s a free country.  She’s an adult and a tax payer.  It was unconscionable to me that she was ever treated this way.


  1. If You Want To Leave The Church You Have To Have An “Exit Interview” With Two Elders. Convicted Felons With Supervising Law Enforcement Agencies Aren’t Vetted When Joining The Church.

             The pastors/elders changed the By-Laws and if church members want to leave they are required to meet with two pastors/elders to have an “exit interview”. As the books on spiritual abuse have also said that abusive churches make leaving very difficult.

The pastors/elders at Grace Bible Fellowship of Silicon Valley however permitted their friend a Megan’s List sex offender who was convicted for child pornography to join the church, become a member, and they placed him in a leadership position over a team.  They gave him cart blanche access to all church activities.

He had served prison time and has a supervising law enforcement agency, the Sheriff’s sex offenders’ task force.

The pastors/elders told me that he was “coming off Megan’s List” because “he said so”. You have got to be kidding me? A convicted felon is on Megan’s List, was convicted for sex crimes, served time in prison has a supervising law enforcement agency and the pastors/elders take ‘his word’ instead of doing ‘due diligence’ with his supervising law enforcement agency?

The sheriff’s sex offenders’ task force and the California Attorney General’s Office called my ex-pastor’s and the elders’ stories “all lies” and “total lies”.  They said the sex offender is NOT coming off Megan’s List.  At this writing, he’s still on it.

 17.    The Rest Of The Story…A Bruising Meeting With Pastors/Elders About The Megan’s List Sex Offender

           As I said in the beginning of my story, the problems at this church – too many to count – came to a head over the issue of the Megan’s List sex offender at church that I had discovered by accident while doing a separate research project on a city’s sex offenders for a former sex crimes prosecutor.

I recognized the man at church as being the man I had seen on Megan’s List of sex offenders.  I reported my findings to the church’s pastors/elders.  They called me to a meeting.

I thought that we were going to have an adult conversation about child safety.  It wasn’ “adult” at all.  It was like all of the other things that they had mishandled.

17a.     “Child Porn Isn’t A Big Deal”

             The pastors/elders told me that “child porn wasn’t a big deal.”  I told them it was “a very big deal” and it’s a violation of federal and state laws, felony crimes. I went on to detail the differences between adult pornography which is legal and child pornography which is illegal. I discussed all of the crimes committed against children to make child pornography, including rape, sodomy, oral copulation, false imprisonment, kidnapping, and drugging, to name just some of the crimes.

The senior pastor blushed bright red when I tackled the subject of pornography without flinching.

17b.     “Why Are You Calling Him A Sex Offender?”

             The senior pastor was furious that I had called the man “a sex offender”.  He demanded to know why I was using that word.  I replied, “It’s not my term. It’s a legal term. A person convicted of sex offenses is called a sex offender in the criminal codes.”

17c.     Megan’s List Sex Offender Invited To Volunteer At Basketball Camp

             The pastors/elders told me that they had invited the Megan’s List sex offender to volunteer at the five-day basketball camp that the church puts on for children in the summer time. The pastors/elders did not tell all parents, both church members and non-church members that a Megan’s List sex offender who is sexually attracted to children, could show up at any time to work with their children. It was not posted on the enrollment forms and posters.

What parent in their right mind would trust their children to a church knowing that a sex offender was given access to them by the pastors/elders?

Additionally, the Seventh Day Adventists, who rented their school’s gym to our church, hadn’t been told that a Megan’s List sex offender had been invited to come on to their property.

The Seventh Day Adventists are self-insured, they can be sued for any criminal acts against children that occur on their property, and they have strict child safety policies. Their authority at their own property was not respected by my (ex) church’s pastors/elders.  I contacted the SDA school and I asked them.

17d.     Had I Prayed For The Sex Offender?

             The pastors/elders said that they sex offender was their friend, they had known him for years and they would entrust their children to him.  They demanded to know if I had “prayed for him”.  I told them that I was there to discuss the safety our church’s children, not prayer time.  You do not bet the safety of children with someone who has already shown that when he had a choice between adult porn and child porn that he chose child porn.

Someone who is sexually attracted to children shouldn’t be around them.

(Note: According to a research study by the F.B.I. and the District Attorneys’ Association of inmates in prison for child porn, the majority of them confessed to having gotten away with “on-contact” sexual abuse of children. That shouldn’t come as a surprise to most people.)

17e.     Pastors/Elders Said Mothers Aren’t Permitted To Protect Their Children

             The senior pastor said that mothers aren’t permitted to protect their children and that if a father determines that the sex offender can touch his children that his word “is final” over his family and that his wife is “to obey” and “to submit” to him.

I hit him back with, “Mothers are required by God and California law to protect their children! She is NOT off the legal hook of responsibility by obeying and submitting to her husband.  If it all goes wrong, she can be arrested and prosecuted for criminal negligence, child endangerment, child abuse, and a variety of other crimes. She can land in jail or state prison. Child Protective Services can take away her children and put them in foster care.”

17f.      Had I Confronted The Sex Offender Per Matthew 18:15-17?

“Jeff T on The Wartburg Watch blog”:
‘Matthew 18
God I’m sick of hearing this from fascist church leaders. They NEVER use it to engage in a Spirit-filled discussion of resolving differences. It’s ALWAYS used as an instrument of oppression. Whenever someone in their church raises an issue they don’t want discussed, they stand up and shout “Matthew 18!, Matthew 18!”, the person raising the issue is then hustled off to a backroom and subjected to a process worthy of a Chinese Communist reeducation camp. They are told they are wrong, not on the basis of anything having to do with the issue itself, but because they are refusing to submit to authority, they are being divisive, ergo they are sinners and must repent and if they don’t, they are subjected to “church discipline”, meaning they are shunned and harassed.’

           The pastors/elders were enraged that I had written the California Attorney General’s Office about the sex offender, beneath his picture on Megan’s List.  He had attended the Bible study that I go to and had whipped the entire Bible study into a frenzy of anger one night about all of the “bad people in prisons”, save me who was staring him down. He had omitted that he was a felon, had served prison time, was convicted of sex crimes, and was on Megan’s List.  I went home that  night, summarized the evening for the Attorney General and said, “Don’t EVER take him off Megan’s List. He is highly manipulative.”

The four pastors/elders said that I was supposed to confront him pursuant to Matthew 18:15-17 and they told me that I had failed. I shot back with, “It was YOUR job to protect all of us from him.  I’m NOT confronting a convicted felon, a sex offender who is more than 6’0” feet tall, when  I’m a woman. This is YOUR failing not mine.”

 17g.     Chairman of the Elder Board Closed The Meeting With A Threat To Me

            The chairman of the elder board of Grace Bible Fellowship of Silicon Valley, the church that I had belonged to for nearly eight years, closed the meeting about my concerns for our church’s safety about a Megan’s List sex offender at church, by opening his Bible to a pre-marked page and reading it to me in somber tones.  He read me a Scripture that I was basically not one of them and that I was destined for Hell.

He and the other three pastors/elders issued a threat to me that they intended to follow through on.

He then called me at home a few days later and told me that he and the other pastors/elders had made “a decision” and that I was to never contact law enforcement again about the  Megan’s List sex offender. He also told me that I was to never reveal the name to law enforcement of the church I was a member of, the names of the pastors/elders, or the church’s location.  The chairman of the elder board told me that I was “to obey” and “to submit” to them in “all things”.

According to the pastors/elders the Membership Covenant entitles them to control every aspect of members’ lives.  In the United States and in my state (California) you can’t “contract” for illegal acts and that is not enforceable.

The “orders” of the pastors/elders can constitute Criminal Conspiracy (an agreement between two or more persons), Aiding and Abetting, Accessory After the Fact (if a crime has already occurred that is being covered up), Obstruction of Justice, Intimidating a Witness, and a Failure to Report as a Mandated Child Abuse Reporter, to name just a few crimes. The pastors/elders can face arrest and prosecution for their conduct.

  1. Sick, and Finally Sick and Tired Of An Authoritarian, Abusive Church

            In 2014, the Chairman of the Elder Board demanded meetings from me about the accusations made about me by the woman Dyslexic.  I refused.

I had been acutely ill for five weeks with a serious lung condition, I had been in and out of the hospital, and I was tired.  I was tired of their controlling every aspect of my life. I stood my ground with him and told him I wanted an apology for their prior threat to me. Enraged, he told me that I owed them an apology and I was banned from church and church property until I made “it right with them”.  I refused.           .

  1. Excommunicated And Shunned…Mine.

            Hundreds of church members were told to never speak to me again. That I was under Church Discipline. You know the usual story that the pastors/elders  had “worked with me for years” (you mean screamed at me and threatened me) and that it had all been “to no avail”.

The pastors/elders told such a manipulative story about me that friends who had been close to me for years, that said I was one of the only people at church to support them, refused to ever speak to me again.

None of what the pastors/elders told about me was true.  It was all lies. Like all of the other lies they told about the middle-aged professional woman who left and Dr. Luke.

“As Stephen Arteburn and Jack Felton [authors of Toxic Faith] remind us, it is often the case that ‘anyone who rebels against the system must be personally attacked so people will think the problem is the person, not the system.” Ronald Enroth, Recovering from Churches That Abuse,  (Grand Rapids: Zondervan Publishing House, 1994), 153., FREE here:

[Note: This book and Dr. Enroth’s other book Churches That Abuse are available for FREE online, here: I recommend them.]

  1. First Christmas…Empty Mail Box

            My mail box used to be full of Christmas cards and gifts. I didn’t get anything from friends I had at church for nearly eight years. I would open  up my mail box every day from around Thanksgiving to  New Year’s. I did not receive one card or  gift. Some members emailed me and told me they would never have anything to do with me again. They told me that they hated me.

And none of what the pastors/elders told them about me was true. The pastors/elders had intentionally withheld what the pastors/elders did to me.

“In his [Ronald Enroth] study of authoritarian groups, public discipline, ridicule, and humiliation become the common experience of participants. The fact that there is little or no feedback available to members from the outside provides an unhindered environment where leaders can demand corporate obedience to them with unquestioning loyalty to the group. The damage created in these groups is that true freedom in Christ is forfeited for human power. Leaders who practice spiritual abuse exceed the bounds of legitimate authority by lording it over the flock. All too often these leaders have the audacity to intrude into the personal lives of members. As many people regrettably find out, abusive leaders are self-centered and adversarial and there is little chance for any type of reconciliation or restoration.” Barbara M. Orlowski, Spiritual Abuse Recovery (Eugene: Wipf & Stock, 2010), 43.


Related articles in 5-part series

Part 1:

Part 2:

Part 3:

Part 5: